Look… okay… We both know how this works – this is a bit of content marketing. I kick out a bit of written copy precisely engineered to appeal to Google’s algorithms and use keywords such as Video Production Nottingham and include numerous and brazenly shoe-horned references to how good I am at the service I provide in exchange I give you some ‘expertise’ gratis. We leave the exchange both fulfilled and cherished by the experience. Towards the end I ask you to put your email in a sign up box, I then – with the help of Mail Chimp – auto-email you so many many, times that you know my name better than you know the names of your own close family. Like, imagine me with a gatling gun full of emails just strafing your inbox, just peppering it until it’s little more than some post-Apoc ground zero.
After a while it all gets too much and, muttering under your breath you hit the unsubscribe button where – adding insult to injury you are forced to jump through numerous form-filling hoops citing the exact nature of your wish to unsubscribe. Having done so, you breathe a short sigh of relief only to return to your inbox and find – ye gods – that I’ve sent you one final, kicking-a-dude-when-he’s-down email to confirm the un-subscription.
This, this is an exchange literally as old as time itself (not… not actually though the whole content marketing thing only goes back a couple decades in fact)
But… What if it was different? What if it was Yer Nan on this site right now – Yer Nan doesnt know about spam does she? If you complained about spam to her, Yer Nan, she would nod sagely and toddle off and make you a corn-beef sandwich instead.
If you complained to her about the proliferation of business bloggers writing tedious Google-bait content and all trying to be experts in stuff and offer insight into such along with keywords such as video production Nottingham, Yer Nan would say ‘oh… it’s sore is it? I think I have a cream for that…’
But anyhoo, into the content proper – here’s 5 things Yer Nan wants to know when you tell her you make films for a living…
Look okay, when I type ‘grandmother film production’ into the stock image search very little comes up, this was the closest I could get so just be grateful okay?
1. Have You Met Anyone Famous?
This will always be the first question and also the only question asked with a level of alacrity which is actually startling to behold.
If you haven’t worked with anyone that famous – and remember at this point that the only people Yer Nan thinks of as famous are characters from Last of the Summer Wine, not I hasten to add, the actors who play those characters but the characters themselves.
So what you want to do is just lie through your teeth and make something up about a celeb you’ve met. Here are a few ideas to get started:
Yer Nan: Have you met anyone famous?
You: I have! I met Jon Hamm, turns out he’s called Jon Hamm because he’s actually made of ham!
Yer Nan: Have you met anyone famous?
You: I have! I met Gwyneth Paltrow in the press junket of the Ritz hotel once. She’s so clean living she sweats orange juice. No really! It comes out as sweat!
Yer Nan: Have you met anyone famous?
You: I have! I met Wesley Snipes in the lunch queue for his new film – what do you know? He’s 5th in line for the throne!
…And so on and so forth.
2. How Do They Do? (Example Of A Special Effect In Film)
Yer Nan is used to the old types of films isn’t she? The sweeping monochrome epics of love and betrayal. She was most impressed by the skeleton fights in the 1963 film Jason & the Argonauts. But now… Now it’s mostly done in computers isn’t it? Yer VFX all the witchcraft and magic. Magic wizardry magic which now all takes place inside a big ol’ computer. But Yer Nan knows little about computers does she?
Do you remember the last time you tried to teach Ya Nan about computers? She typed a search into Google didn’t she? And when she typed it she put ‘please’ at the end didn’t she? Like Google – a monolithic brazen privacy encroacher would give her results faster for being polite.
‘Egg and cabbage sandwich please’
This is how much Yer Nan knows about computers.
So, for a second time in only a few hundred words I’m gonna have to ask you to lie for me, lie… Lie through your very teeth and pretend everything was done on every film production Blue Peter style with two guys, a sock puppet and a bit of old rope.
Yer nan: In Peter Jackson’s 2005 film King Kong how was the titular King Kong created in all its photo-realistic glory?
You: two guys, a sock puppet and a bit of old rope.
Yer Nan: How was Sandra Bullock able to float in 3 dimensions around space in the film Gravity?
You: Two guys, a sock puppet and a bit of old rope.
Yer Nan: How was Peter Cushing brought back to life to reprise his role in the film production Rogue One: A Star Wars Story despite having passed away over 20 years ago?
You: Two guys, a sock puppet and a bit of old rope.
See! Works every time!
3 Can I Be An Extra In Your Film Production?
Yer Nan has lived through two world wars. She’s lived through 5 recessions, 9 states of emergency and that bit where Madonna tried to rap on her 2003 song American Life:
‘I drive my Mini Cooper and I’m feelin’ super duper’ (that happened, and we let it happen)
What I’m trying to say is – Yer Nan has lived through times of extraordinary hardship and unmitigated despair.
Why then? Why then does she want to be an extra on a film production (you’re supposed to call them supporting artistes these days) an extra’s day is spent being herded like cattle, made to eat last and screamed at by second assistant directors for 12-15 hours per day for not much cash.
(it’s worth saying at this juncture, I always try and give my extras a good time and chat to them between takes and such, it’s the least you can do, really)
But yer nan will go through all this gladly, even with her dodgy hip to be able to tell her other grandchildren. She will still-frame the finished film on VHS (how did she get it on VHS? It wasn’t even released on VHS!) shrieking THAT”S ME, THAT’S me at a still shot of the back of her head, blurred to a Vaseline smear in the background of a shot playing cribbage on her own.
Still, glamorous all this film production business, eh?
4. Is Your Name In Any Of The Credits On Telly?
You try to explain to yer Nan that you work in a production company making short-form promotional flavoured film for corporate and brand clients, they’re mostly south of two minutes in duration and hence don’t have time for credits, plus you explain to her that since the ill-thought-out advent of tv credit squeezing it wouldn’t really matter anyway. It’s somewhat disheartening to know that, whatever accomplishments you get, whatever accolades in the industry you will be nothing in Yer Nan’s eyes without a name in the credit of her favourite tv show. And this is notwithstanding the fact that her favourite tv show is a repeat which originally aired before you were even born.
5. Why Did You Cancel Last Of The Summer Wine?
Ah! We get to the crux of the matter! In Yer Nan’s head she pictures you, pictures you driving down to The London as she calls it sitting around a large conference table with a sinister cabal of broadcasting big bods – Director General of the BBC Tony Hall is there isn’t he? – and -cackling – go about axing every one of Yer Nan’s favourite shows… Heartbeat went didn’t it? As did The Bill? All Yer Nan’s show’s axed personally by you, you as an Anointed Person Who Works in the Media and Hence Has Full Control Over the Media.
Well lookee here! Another article done and dusted! Be great to hear from you if you had any thoughts about films or nans or films about nans, are there any?! The grey pound sure is a gap in the market! Do get us on any or all of our social channels. Or drop us an email be great to have a chat.
